I’ve been listening to a lot of Taylor Swift lately and find myself connecting and relating on a much
deeper level than I ever have.
I also find myself linking my current situation to them.
They make my mind tick.
And my heart swell with emotion in a way I really don’t know if I want to be feeling.
It scares me that after loving someone for so long, and still loving them, and putting myself through hell unaccountable times, that I could start feeling again. Especially after swearing never again.
I didn’t ever want to get involved with anybody ever again.
I’d convinced myself that I would be better off alone.
That way, I am the only one to blame for any of my actions. I am the only one that can be held responsible for any decisions made and repercussions of those decisions.
However, I realise now that being alone, I’d be missing out on all the things I love. Yes, I knew at the time, but I didn’t care. I figured that I could block it out and it wouldn’t matter. But it does matter.
I need affection. I need personal contact on a deeper level than what my friends can offer. I need the kind other class of friendship-relationship. Someone I can connect with on a more sonorous, intense level. Emotionally. Physically. Compatibly.
And to exclude myself from all of that, to distance myself, I’d be missing out. And I wouldn’t really be happy, no matter how many times I’d be telling myself that I’m just saving myself from heartache.
I think … I’m now ready to take some risks.
I’ve let someone else affect me for far too long now and it’s time to let go. For good.
So in the words of Dar Williams:
Farewell to the old me, my life is working better now, it’s always changing anyhow.