Monday, March 16, 2009

We'll Feel

Written: 12-03-2009

when we touch
we'll feel the rush
of the way that we feel
in a world so surreal
when our eyes meet
we'll feel the heat
we'll feel the emotion
our utmost devotion
the adoration
we feel for each other
we'll no longer be distanced
or kept under cover
we'll feel the desire creeping out from within
and together we'll burn whilst together our hearts sing


sparks will fly
when you meet my eye
when you touch my hand
and together we'll stand
while my heart you'll touch
will it all be too much
will we crumble and fall
like the bricks from my wall
when the timing is right
a fire will ignite
between our hearts it will burn
and we shall no longer yearn
for the day we can share the way that we feel
in each others arms, we can make it all real

Freed From The Demons

Written: 11-03-2009

watch me go.
watch me walk away.
watch me run for cover.
watch me hide, and hear me as i say;
baby i'm not running from you.
i'm not hiding or walking away.
so go on now, take hold of my outstretched hand.
step into my arms that are open for you, only you.
and know that;
i'm running from me,
my demons within,
and if you promise me patience, you'll see that i'll win.
and then you will have me all to yourself and the demons will lose,
and i'll be free of fear, and give my all only to you.

Say The Words

i want to say the words
because i feel it deep inside
i want to say the words
i no longer want to hide
i want to say the words
that you want to hear
i want to say the words
but you are nowhere near
i want to say the words
and put your hand upon my heart
i want to say the words
and from you never part
i want to say the words
that it's just so clear to see
i want to say the words
that are felt between you and me

Friday, March 13, 2009

Saying "It" For The First Time

when i say "i love you" for the first time, it won't be in a text message, online, or over the phone.
i refuse to let something so special be just something else that's said.
just another few words in a conversation.
like everyday, ordinary words; like "hello" and "goodbye".
when i say "i love you" it will be in a "moment"... where it just rolls off my tongue, naturally and full of the emotion those three little words contain.
because then you know i mean it.
and you can't have a "moment" over the internet, in a text message, or over the phone.

Thursday, March 12, 2009


when our eyes meet for the very first time
it will be then that we'll know, if i'm yours and you mine
we can then share the fire that burns deep inside
with flames that keep growing and we can no longer hide
with our emotions so raw that they cannot be contained
that they cannot be disguised, concealed or refrained

Walking A Thin Line

Written: 6-3-2009

i'm walking a thin line
trying hard to decide
whether this here right now
is worth the long run outcome
i'm walking a thin line
wondering which side is right
the safe side or the side
where i take a risk
i'm walking a thin line
wanting just to take a dive
and land safely in her arms where she waits
i'm walking a thin line
and running out of precious time
how long until it all just falls apart
how much more can this line withstand
and decision here needs to be made
so i have made it
and all i can do is wait

She ...

she strikes a match inside my heart
ignites a fire that burns so bright
she strikes a cord and makes me sing
loud and proud with words from within
she's scaled my wall with little effort or none
reached inside my soul and will stay 'til she's done
she speaks to me and sings me our song
and in my eyes she does no wrong
she melts my heart and can be found there inside
she's taken my cover and i can no longer hide
and so i bask in the glory of the emotions we share
she has entered my life and i feel in my heart she is there

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Strong Word. Big Word. Special Word.

Love is a strong word.
It is a big word.
It is a special word.
And when I say "I Love You" ... Like really say it. Like use the word "Love".
I mean it.
I won't say it if I don't feel it.
And I won't say it if I don't feel ready.
So ... I'm feeling it.
But I'm just not ready to say it.
Yet ...

Monday, March 9, 2009

I'm Not Sure

Written: 27-02-2009

I’m not sure,
Just how much more;
Of this loneliness I can take.
I’m not sure,
Just how much more;
I can continue to wait.
I’m not sure,
Just how much more;
I can keep going as I do.
I’m not sure,
Just how much more;
I can keep holding on for you.
I’m not sure,
Just how much more;
You can keep holding on for me.
I’m not sure, I’m just not sure;
But in the end we’ll see.

Something Special

Written: 04-03-2009

This thing we have where I heart you,
And you heart me,
It’s plain to see;
That we could maybe,
Possibly be;
Something special.
Something strong.
Something right;
Not something wrong.
And make it work.
Make it last.
And not become something to add to our past.
Something to look towards making a future to grow.
Of something so precious and quite wonderful.


Written: 28-02-2009

I’m bleeding through the bandages
And she doesn’t seem to care
She says “you will be just fine, you just sit and wait right there”
So I’m sitting and I’m waiting
And I’m waiting here some more
Until I just can’t take it
And I make a run for it towards the door
The people all start shouting
And my friend takes up the chase
But I’m out the door and down the stairs
I’m running from this place
I’m bolting across the parking lot
And heading for a train
And I’m hearing him behind me
Calling out my name
I ignore his calls and keep right on
And I’m pumping my legs harder
But he catches up and grabs hold of me
And I can go no farther
He’s got a grip and not letting go
He’s strong for someone his size
I’m struggling but I can’t break free as the tears stream from my eyes
I collapse to the ground and hold on tight
As he tells me it’s ok
He says I’ll be fine
I just need some time
And I should just go back inside
So he stands up and reaches down and helps me to my feet
And I take hold
And follow on
As I finally admit defeat


Written: 25-02-2009

Miles away,
And oceans apart;
You’ve managed to find your way into my heart.
Attaching yourself,
And tying the stings;
Of your heart to mine,
And so it begins.
The emotions emerging,
Wanting to be known;
Wanting the love,
That I’ve craved for so long.
Wanting to have you,
Right here, right now;
And knowing it will, work itself out somehow.


Written: 25-02-2009

Come a little closer dear
And let me whisper in your ear
All the things I want to do
And the fact that I am falling for you
Let me take you by the hand
And lead you to another land
To another world, our own special place
Where together as one our dreams we’ll chase
And capture them and live them out
Where from the top of my lungs I will shout
All the things I think and feel
Because you thawed me out and made it real
You’ve stopped me dead and blown me away
And when you arrive I hope that you’ll stay
Because you’ve touched my soul and entered my heart
And from you I couldn’t bear to be apart
For you made me feel and open up
And you’ve opened a door I don’t want to shut

Where Are You Dream Lover

Written: 25-02-2009

Where are you dream lover
The girl of my dreams
The one I had found before
Or at the time, so it seemed
Where are you dream lover
Why don’t you come hold my hand
Why don’t you come and kiss me
I don’t understand
Where are you dream lover
When I’m lonely at late at night
Where are you to hold me
And make it alright
Where are you dream lover
Why don’t you turn on the light
Lead me out of this darkness
And into your love and your life


Written: 25-02-2009

You’re in my heart.
You’re in my dreams.
It happened so quickly;
I didn’t even see.
When did they start ?
These feelings inside;
How did they grow ?
When I’ve been trying to hide.
How did you find me ?
And coax me into the light.
How did you do it -
Enter my life ?

Replacing The Pieces

Written: 25-02-2009

Could this really be real
Or is it a dream
Am I feeling these feelings
Oh where have they been
I’d locked them away
To never be found
But found them you did
From deep underground
I’d buried them there
Along with my heart
But you found it
And took it
And brushed off the dirt
Sweeping away all the mess
That someone else left behind
Replacing the pieces
And easing my mind

How Long Must I Wait

Written: 25-02-2009

How long must I wait
Til you get on a plane
And arrive where I am
To ease all the pain
How long must I wait
Til you finally get here
Til the day I can take you
In my arms, hold you near
How long must I wait
For our very first kiss
For the moment the whole world disappears
And we are lost in our bliss
How long must I wait
For the best days to come
Where we can just be together
And combine and be one

How Long

Written: 25-02-2009

How long is the river
That flows to the sea
How far is the distance between you and me
How long is the timeframe
Until we can make it all real
How long til we can share it
Share what we feel
How long til I hold you
And call you all mine
How long til you kiss me
And push my fear aside
How long til the day
We can just be together
How long, oh how long
Because it feels like forever

Don't Go

Written: 25-02-2009

Don’t you go anywhere
Don’t you dare leave
For I have just found you
So I’m begging you please
Don’t disappear
Don’t go away
For now that I’ve found you
I want you to stay

My Defences

Written: 11-02-2009

Backed up against the wall
With no place left to go
So I’m crouching down and hiding from how I feel

I’m flicking the “off” switch
If only I could find it
Then maybe I could find a way how to deal

Because it’s all too confusing
Complicated and heart bruising
And I don’t think that I can take any more

So I’m putting up my defences
Not taking any chances
Holding onto my heart before it hit’s the floor

It's Not Me, It's You.

Written: 11-02-2009

Its take me some time,
But I’ve finally realised;
That the problem is not me, it’s you.

All of the abuse,
Although not physical;
Was not because of me, it was you.

My heart still has an ache,
Even though I left the state;
And I did all this for me, not you.

And although I love you dearly,
I see it all so clearly;
I know now it’s not me, it’s you.

Something That I Need

Written: 30-01-2009

So the decision is made

I’m walking away
An putting an end to this mess

For we cannot move forward
Or to the future toward
So this really is for the best

I don’t know how long I can wait
Before I open the gate
To let someone else in and not you

For I’m available now
But I do not see how
We can make this work between two

Because you are taken
And I’m sick of waitin’
For something that I need right now

You Don't Work That Way

Written: 29-01-2009

I didn’t want this…

I didn’t WANT this !
I didn’t want to feel anything again. Like, ever.
Why must life insist on doing this to me over and over again ?
I was not looking for anything.
I wasn’t wanting anything.
Then all of a sudden…
BAM ! There it is.
Starts off as a twinge of a feeling. A very slight feeling.
And then all of a sudden, out of the blue, you’re feeling something so much more than you intended or even wanted to feel.
And at first you’re like, No. Go away.
And ignore it.
But then it gets too much to ignore.
Especially when someone is giving you the attention you’ve been craving.
When someone is interested in you and you know it.
And so you start thinking, well… hang on… this is kinda nice…
And so you start wanting more.
But you shouldn’t.
Because it’s complicated.
And there’s someone else involved.
And you don’t work that way.

Pro-Con List

Written: 29-01-2009

So … I’m in a bit of a pickle right now.

I’m quite confused and don’t really know what to do with myself.

Everything is so complicated, I should probably be used to it because I always end up doing this to myself somehow.

It involves two people.
Three if you include me.
And I have a decision to make.
Quite a few actually.

Who do I choose ?
Do I take a chance with someone who WILL have to leave ?
Do I let myself become “the other woman” and do what I want. What I need. And be able to handle the guilt of being that “other woman”, even though there’s been no physical act.
Do I step back and retreat ?
Run away from what I feel or step up and take the challenge life has thrown at me ?
Do I forget about both ?

How do I choose between one or the other ?

Pro-Con list ?

Will that really clear everything up for me ?

I don’t know what to do !

I’m so scared of falling and failing again.

I’m so scared to feel anything for anybody even though I already do …

And it’s so complicated, because there are two.

What Happens Next

Written: 25-01-2009

I’m not going to be some “back-up” plan

Someone who doesn’t know where they stand
I’m not second best, I’m my own number one
And if that means I have to let go, then it shall be done
I won’t hold on, to something not there
I’m not going to let this one mess with my head
Because it’s way too early, it’s way too soon
To be stressing and worrying so I’ll just change my tune
I’m not going to message, I’m not going to text
I’ll just leave it alone and see what happens next

The Key

Written: 25-01-2009

It’s all unravelling

It’s coming undone
It’s all going sour
And it’s no longer fun
It’s no longer exciting
It’s no longer a thrill
I’m now unresponsive
I’m now standing still
I’m not taking this further
I’m not going to wait
I’m closing my door
And locking my gate
If someone wants in
They just need the key
And until they find it
They’ll get nothing from me

Taylor Swift

Written: 24-01-2009

I’ve been listening to a lot of Taylor Swift lately and find myself connecting and relating on a much

deeper level than I ever have.
I also find myself linking my current situation to them.
They make my mind tick.
And my heart swell with emotion in a way I really don’t know if I want to be feeling.
It scares me that after loving someone for so long, and still loving them, and putting myself through hell unaccountable times, that I could start feeling again. Especially after swearing never again.
I didn’t ever want to get involved with anybody ever again.
I’d convinced myself that I would be better off alone.
That way, I am the only one to blame for any of my actions. I am the only one that can be held responsible for any decisions made and repercussions of those decisions.
However, I realise now that being alone, I’d be missing out on all the things I love. Yes, I knew at the time, but I didn’t care. I figured that I could block it out and it wouldn’t matter. But it does matter.
I need affection. I need personal contact on a deeper level than what my friends can offer. I need the kind other class of friendship-relationship. Someone I can connect with on a more sonorous, intense level. Emotionally. Physically. Compatibly.
And to exclude myself from all of that, to distance myself, I’d be missing out. And I wouldn’t really be happy, no matter how many times I’d be telling myself that I’m just saving myself from heartache.
I think … I’m now ready to take some risks.
I’ve let someone else affect me for far too long now and it’s time to let go. For good.
So in the words of Dar Williams:
Farewell to the old me, my life is working better now, it’s always changing anyhow.

Just Feel It

Written: 24-01-2009

I can feel the ice around my heart melting.

I can feel the wall I built around myself starting to come down.
Bit by bit.
Brick by brick.
Slowly, but surely.
I can feel my heart strings straining and reaching for something, pulling me along saying “come on Bonnie, it’s about time you started to feel again. It’s time to move on, move forward. Let it go. Let yourself go. Open up and let someone in. Don’t ignore what’s right there in front of you. Don’t let it slip through your fingers. Just feel it.”
I never wanted to feel again for fear of failing miserably yet again.
But what’s life without risks.
Without taking a chance on something without knowing what the outcome will be.
As a wise friend once said to me: you should just go on the ride, and not worry about the fact that sooner or later you have to get off that ride, and just enjoy it for what it is.