Written: 30-01-2009
So the decision is made
I’m walking away
An putting an end to this mess
For we cannot move forward
Or to the future toward
So this really is for the best
I don’t know how long I can wait
Before I open the gate
To let someone else in and not you
For I’m available now
But I do not see how
We can make this work between two
Because you are taken
And I’m sick of waitin’
For something that I need right now
Monday, March 9, 2009
You Don't Work That Way
Written: 29-01-2009
I didn’t want this…
I didn’t WANT this !
I didn’t want to feel anything again. Like, ever.
Why must life insist on doing this to me over and over again ?
I was not looking for anything.
I wasn’t wanting anything.
Then all of a sudden…
BAM ! There it is.
Starts off as a twinge of a feeling. A very slight feeling.
And then all of a sudden, out of the blue, you’re feeling something so much more than you intended or even wanted to feel.
And at first you’re like, No. Go away.
And ignore it.
But then it gets too much to ignore.
Especially when someone is giving you the attention you’ve been craving.
When someone is interested in you and you know it.
And so you start thinking, well… hang on… this is kinda nice…
And so you start wanting more.
But you shouldn’t.
Because it’s complicated.
And there’s someone else involved.
And you don’t work that way.
I didn’t want this…
I didn’t WANT this !
I didn’t want to feel anything again. Like, ever.
Why must life insist on doing this to me over and over again ?
I was not looking for anything.
I wasn’t wanting anything.
Then all of a sudden…
BAM ! There it is.
Starts off as a twinge of a feeling. A very slight feeling.
And then all of a sudden, out of the blue, you’re feeling something so much more than you intended or even wanted to feel.
And at first you’re like, No. Go away.
And ignore it.
But then it gets too much to ignore.
Especially when someone is giving you the attention you’ve been craving.
When someone is interested in you and you know it.
And so you start thinking, well… hang on… this is kinda nice…
And so you start wanting more.
But you shouldn’t.
Because it’s complicated.
And there’s someone else involved.
And you don’t work that way.
Pro-Con List
Written: 29-01-2009
So … I’m in a bit of a pickle right now.
I’m quite confused and don’t really know what to do with myself.
Everything is so complicated, I should probably be used to it because I always end up doing this to myself somehow.
It involves two people.
Three if you include me.
And I have a decision to make.
Quite a few actually.
Who do I choose ?
Do I take a chance with someone who WILL have to leave ?
Do I let myself become “the other woman” and do what I want. What I need. And be able to handle the guilt of being that “other woman”, even though there’s been no physical act.
Do I step back and retreat ?
Run away from what I feel or step up and take the challenge life has thrown at me ?
Do I forget about both ?
How do I choose between one or the other ?
Pro-Con list ?
Will that really clear everything up for me ?
I don’t know what to do !
I’m so scared of falling and failing again.
I’m so scared to feel anything for anybody even though I already do …
And it’s so complicated, because there are two.
So … I’m in a bit of a pickle right now.
I’m quite confused and don’t really know what to do with myself.
Everything is so complicated, I should probably be used to it because I always end up doing this to myself somehow.
It involves two people.
Three if you include me.
And I have a decision to make.
Quite a few actually.
Who do I choose ?
Do I take a chance with someone who WILL have to leave ?
Do I let myself become “the other woman” and do what I want. What I need. And be able to handle the guilt of being that “other woman”, even though there’s been no physical act.
Do I step back and retreat ?
Run away from what I feel or step up and take the challenge life has thrown at me ?
Do I forget about both ?
How do I choose between one or the other ?
Pro-Con list ?
Will that really clear everything up for me ?
I don’t know what to do !
I’m so scared of falling and failing again.
I’m so scared to feel anything for anybody even though I already do …
And it’s so complicated, because there are two.
What Happens Next
Written: 25-01-2009
I’m not going to be some “back-up” plan
Someone who doesn’t know where they stand
I’m not second best, I’m my own number one
And if that means I have to let go, then it shall be done
I won’t hold on, to something not there
I’m not going to let this one mess with my head
Because it’s way too early, it’s way too soon
To be stressing and worrying so I’ll just change my tune
I’m not going to message, I’m not going to text
I’ll just leave it alone and see what happens next
I’m not going to be some “back-up” plan
Someone who doesn’t know where they stand
I’m not second best, I’m my own number one
And if that means I have to let go, then it shall be done
I won’t hold on, to something not there
I’m not going to let this one mess with my head
Because it’s way too early, it’s way too soon
To be stressing and worrying so I’ll just change my tune
I’m not going to message, I’m not going to text
I’ll just leave it alone and see what happens next
The Key
Written: 25-01-2009
It’s all unravelling
It’s coming undone
It’s all going sour
And it’s no longer fun
It’s no longer exciting
It’s no longer a thrill
I’m now unresponsive
I’m now standing still
I’m not taking this further
I’m not going to wait
I’m closing my door
And locking my gate
If someone wants in
They just need the key
And until they find it
They’ll get nothing from me
It’s all unravelling
It’s coming undone
It’s all going sour
And it’s no longer fun
It’s no longer exciting
It’s no longer a thrill
I’m now unresponsive
I’m now standing still
I’m not taking this further
I’m not going to wait
I’m closing my door
And locking my gate
If someone wants in
They just need the key
And until they find it
They’ll get nothing from me
Taylor Swift
Written: 24-01-2009
I’ve been listening to a lot of Taylor Swift lately and find myself connecting and relating on a much
deeper level than I ever have.
I also find myself linking my current situation to them.
They make my mind tick.
And my heart swell with emotion in a way I really don’t know if I want to be feeling.
It scares me that after loving someone for so long, and still loving them, and putting myself through hell unaccountable times, that I could start feeling again. Especially after swearing never again.
I didn’t ever want to get involved with anybody ever again.
I’d convinced myself that I would be better off alone.
That way, I am the only one to blame for any of my actions. I am the only one that can be held responsible for any decisions made and repercussions of those decisions.
However, I realise now that being alone, I’d be missing out on all the things I love. Yes, I knew at the time, but I didn’t care. I figured that I could block it out and it wouldn’t matter. But it does matter.
I need affection. I need personal contact on a deeper level than what my friends can offer. I need the kind other class of friendship-relationship. Someone I can connect with on a more sonorous, intense level. Emotionally. Physically. Compatibly.
And to exclude myself from all of that, to distance myself, I’d be missing out. And I wouldn’t really be happy, no matter how many times I’d be telling myself that I’m just saving myself from heartache.
I think … I’m now ready to take some risks.
I’ve let someone else affect me for far too long now and it’s time to let go. For good.
So in the words of Dar Williams:
Farewell to the old me, my life is working better now, it’s always changing anyhow.
I’ve been listening to a lot of Taylor Swift lately and find myself connecting and relating on a much
deeper level than I ever have.
I also find myself linking my current situation to them.
They make my mind tick.
And my heart swell with emotion in a way I really don’t know if I want to be feeling.
It scares me that after loving someone for so long, and still loving them, and putting myself through hell unaccountable times, that I could start feeling again. Especially after swearing never again.
I didn’t ever want to get involved with anybody ever again.
I’d convinced myself that I would be better off alone.
That way, I am the only one to blame for any of my actions. I am the only one that can be held responsible for any decisions made and repercussions of those decisions.
However, I realise now that being alone, I’d be missing out on all the things I love. Yes, I knew at the time, but I didn’t care. I figured that I could block it out and it wouldn’t matter. But it does matter.
I need affection. I need personal contact on a deeper level than what my friends can offer. I need the kind other class of friendship-relationship. Someone I can connect with on a more sonorous, intense level. Emotionally. Physically. Compatibly.
And to exclude myself from all of that, to distance myself, I’d be missing out. And I wouldn’t really be happy, no matter how many times I’d be telling myself that I’m just saving myself from heartache.
I think … I’m now ready to take some risks.
I’ve let someone else affect me for far too long now and it’s time to let go. For good.
So in the words of Dar Williams:
Farewell to the old me, my life is working better now, it’s always changing anyhow.
Just Feel It
Written: 24-01-2009
I can feel the ice around my heart melting.
I can feel the wall I built around myself starting to come down.
Bit by bit.
Brick by brick.
Slowly, but surely.
I can feel my heart strings straining and reaching for something, pulling me along saying “come on Bonnie, it’s about time you started to feel again. It’s time to move on, move forward. Let it go. Let yourself go. Open up and let someone in. Don’t ignore what’s right there in front of you. Don’t let it slip through your fingers. Just feel it.”
I never wanted to feel again for fear of failing miserably yet again.
But what’s life without risks.
Without taking a chance on something without knowing what the outcome will be.
As a wise friend once said to me: you should just go on the ride, and not worry about the fact that sooner or later you have to get off that ride, and just enjoy it for what it is.
I can feel the ice around my heart melting.
I can feel the wall I built around myself starting to come down.
Bit by bit.
Brick by brick.
Slowly, but surely.
I can feel my heart strings straining and reaching for something, pulling me along saying “come on Bonnie, it’s about time you started to feel again. It’s time to move on, move forward. Let it go. Let yourself go. Open up and let someone in. Don’t ignore what’s right there in front of you. Don’t let it slip through your fingers. Just feel it.”
I never wanted to feel again for fear of failing miserably yet again.
But what’s life without risks.
Without taking a chance on something without knowing what the outcome will be.
As a wise friend once said to me: you should just go on the ride, and not worry about the fact that sooner or later you have to get off that ride, and just enjoy it for what it is.
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