Lost and Dead

I can't say the things I have on my mind
Because it will hurt those I love and the strength I can't find
To face the backlash and the consequences of honesty
That they all don't realise and just cannot see
That I am actually drowning with no sign of help
For try as they may I am already dead

I Know The Truth. You're Pathetic.

I know why you did it.

And I know it's not the reason you've given someone else.

Because that reason, just doesn't make sense.

Not to me, or someone else that I've run it by.

Someone who knows both of us very well and knows about the whole situation from the word go.

I've also talked to the other person involved.

And they've shed some light on the matter too.

Told me things that you most probably didn't want me to, nor thought I ever would, find out.

They looked at a few of the different interactions between the three of us at different times, analysed certain reactions, certain remarks, made to certain comments and has come to a conclusion that we both agree on and find quite legitimate.

Jealousy.

It's pathetic.

You are pathetic.

And to lie to cover it up?

Even more pathetic.

Your true colours are exposed.

And it won't be long before everybody else sees it too.

You may look sweet and innocent, but people will soon see you for who and what you are.

A jealous liar who cuts people out of her life when she doesn't get what she wants.

What a F*cking Rought !

Did you know, that in a lot of cites, states, towns and so on and so forth, in the US, people who do the SAME kind of job I do, who work the SAME kind of hours I do, get paid as little as $3p/h.

They make more in tips in one night than they get for their paycheck.

It's ridiculous.

How is a person supposed to live let alone SAVE.

*sigh* No wonder it's taking so long...

But it's not like I didn't already know this.

I'm just having a bitch.

haphazardly surviving

can you feel me pushing

pushing you away

can you see the colour

of the blood where i lay

can you see my eyes

staring coldy ahead

can you see there's no life in me

can you see that i'm dead

can you tell that i'm broken

and completely dead deep inside

can you see all of this

now that i am refusing to hide

do you know how i'm feeling

can you say you've been there

do you know that i love you

when i don't seem to care

can you see i'm not dying

that i'm already gone

can you tell that i'm weak

even when i try to be strong

can you see that i'm trying

and that i don't want to give up

can you see that it's draining me

and that my heart's had enough

can you hear that i'm fighting

that i'm fighting to breathe

because right now you're not fighting

fighting for me

can you see i'm exhausted

that i'm a contemptible mess

that i'm different and crazy

haplessly depressed

can you see that i love you

and that i'm not letting go

can you see that i love you

and it's all that i know

untitled

i feel so weak

and i'm trying to hide

and it's all because you left my side

i'm holding on

by the tips of my fingers

but i'm starting to slip and the pain it still lingers

i'm ready to let go

and back out of the race

the fear grips me coldly as my demons i face

backed into a corner

darkness looming above me

i close my eyes to make it disappear, but still i see

the memories, the love

the smile on your face

the times you held me in your soft warm embrace

never again

will we have moments like that

because you've gone away and you're not comming back

Unable

and so my world came crashing down

when you left without a sound

and my heart was left broken into a million pieces

what was i to do

live the rest of my life without you

and wonder if the crying ever ceases

i've been trying oh-so-hard

to mend my heart that's drained and scarred

and my weary soul that is tormented and used-up

my head is unbalanced and uncertain

about the closing of my own final curtain

and i'm anxious, despondent and unstable

i'm trying to get past this

but it is you that i so dearly miss

that is the reason i find myself .. unable.

This Is Love ...

[1:56:42 PM] Beth: Only the best for Beth, with everything.

[1:56:52 PM] Beth: I'm picky

[1:57:05 PM] Bonnie: well i'm glad you picked me ...

[1:57:33 PM] Beth: Oh I no doubt have the best woman in the world!

[1:57:39 PM] Beth: no doubt baby!!

[1:57:53 PM] Bonnie: mmm ... i beg to differ sometimes ...

[1:58:15 PM] Beth: Are you gonna cheat on me?

[1:58:21 PM] Bonnie: no !

[1:58:23 PM] Beth: Are you gonna hurt me?

[1:58:31 PM] Bonnie: not on purpose ...

[1:59:07 PM] Beth: Are you gonna make me cry and not chase after me if we have a fight?

[1:59:40 PM] Bonnie: no ... well i hope i don't make you cry ! and if we fight and you run away, of course i'll chase after you !

[2:00:32 PM] Beth: Are you gonna leave me alone in the rain?

[2:01:06 PM] Bonnie: never !

if anything i'll sit in the rain for hours on end with you if i have to ...

[2:01:19 PM] Beth: Will you hold me every night? And stand beside me always??

[2:01:39 PM] Bonnie: always. always always always !

[2:01:47 PM] Beth: Will you kiss me passionately till the day we die?

[2:02:07 PM] Bonnie: i couldn't kiss you any other way ...

[2:02:14 PM] Beth: See baby...that's why I have the best.

[2:02:19 PM] Beth: You have my heart

[2:02:31 PM] Beth: You are the best if you have my heart

you said i must eat so many lemons, 'cause i am so bitter

i am a very bitter person right now.

a very angry, bitter, bitter person.

not on a whole.

just towards one person.

ok two.

i'm trying really hard to not be so bitterly angry.

coz it's really not good for me.

not good at all.

and it's not like my bitter anger directed towards these two people serves me any purpose.

it's not like it solves or fixes anything.

or makes me feel better.

being bitter, does not make you feel better.

so what's the point.

*sigh*

i just can't help it.

there is so much anger inside me right now.

i need to let it out.

where are my art supplies when i need them !!

i need to paint ...

Fuck Off Shelby

that's right.

fuck off.

you did this.

do not come here anymore.

you are not welcome.

do not read my blogs.

any of them.

ever.

why don't you go write an exaggeration about this one.

you're good at that.

Bonnie is Angry

i've read something.

something i probably shouldn't read.

something that has made me angry.

very angry.

and it's all i can do to hold back from saying anything to the particular person who wrote it.

maybe she'll read this.

i don't know.

i don't care.

but to whinge and bitch about feeling as if you will never be good enough for anyone, or good enough to ever be able to make someone happy and putting in mountains of effort only to be shot down in the end anyway, after you had something with someone who you were good enough for. that you did make them happy.  and the so-called "mountains of effort" you put in, were never ever shot down by them. to turn around and bitch and moan about all this, after all that. after what you did. what you said. how you treated them. is undeniably selfish, self-centered and down-right pathetic.

and to have the nerve to turn around to someone and get up them, bitch at them, for disliking you for what you did and holding it against you, telling them to get over it and saying that it's not their business ...

i'm sorry ... my friends are my business.

they hurt. i hurt.

and i will always have their back. whether they get over a situation and forgive far too easily, things that do not deserve forgiving.

but that's just my opinion.

which i am entitled to, as everybody else is entitled to their own.

and i am dead-set certain that i am not the only one, that feels this way.

you are a bad person.

you are a waste of space.

and you deserve everything you get.

untitled

i took my halo and broke it in half

i decided to take the less travelled path

i've stepped up to the challenge; and taken a risk

taken a chance on love; and all that i've missed

i hold out my hand

my arms ready and waiting

to take her and hold her

my heart's no longer debating

no long holding, onto something that was

no longer encompassed, by the pain that she caused

breaking free of the cycle and finally moving on, letting go

embracing my life and the real love that's shown

"how could you"

so ... i wrote this song ...

she cries at night

can't close her eyes

because she still remembers what that night was like

she hates the dark

won't turn off the light

because she's still afraid you've got her in your sights

(yeah!)

BRIDGE/PRE CHORUS

she's just a child

just a baby

the sweetest little angel that you ever did see

how could you do it

why couldn't you just let her be

CHORUS

how could you hurt that child

how could you lay a finger on her

how could you do that to such an innocent little bystander

how could you live with that and still live your life

like you still have that right

how could you

how could you

how could you hurt that child 

i guess i'm needier than i thought i was

ok so i'm kinda realising a few things about myself, that really aren't all that bad, i don't think.

and if they make me a needy person. or needier than most. or even high maintenance. then so be it.

i need recognition for things i do, as little as they may be.

i need to know that i am appreciated. even though i already know it.

i am emotional person, who feels things deeply, and  that means it hurts me, however unintentional it may be, it still hurts me, when i do something nice or sweet for someone or do something to show how i feel, and it goes unmentioned. unrecognised.

it makes me feel ... unimportant.

even though, i know that i am important.

We'll Feel

Written: 12-03-2009

when we touch
we'll feel the rush
of the way that we feel
in a world so surreal
when our eyes meet
we'll feel the heat
we'll feel the emotion
our utmost devotion
the adoration
we feel for each other
we'll no longer be distanced
or kept under cover
we'll feel the desire creeping out from within
and together we'll burn whilst together our hearts sing

Untitled

sparks will fly
when you meet my eye
when you touch my hand
and together we'll stand
while my heart you'll touch
will it all be too much
will we crumble and fall
like the bricks from my wall
when the timing is right
a fire will ignite
between our hearts it will burn
and we shall no longer yearn
for the day we can share the way that we feel
in each others arms, we can make it all real

Freed From The Demons

Written: 11-03-2009

watch me go.
watch me walk away.
watch me run for cover.
watch me hide, and hear me as i say;
baby i'm not running from you.
i'm not hiding or walking away.
so go on now, take hold of my outstretched hand.
step into my arms that are open for you, only you.
and know that;
i'm running from me,
my demons within,
and if you promise me patience, you'll see that i'll win.
and then you will have me all to yourself and the demons will lose,
and i'll be free of fear, and give my all only to you.

Say The Words

i want to say the words
because i feel it deep inside
i want to say the words
i no longer want to hide
i want to say the words
that you want to hear
i want to say the words
but you are nowhere near
i want to say the words
and put your hand upon my heart
i want to say the words
and from you never part
i want to say the words
that it's just so clear to see
i want to say the words
that are felt between you and me

Saying "It" For The First Time

when i say "i love you" for the first time, it won't be in a text message, online, or over the phone.
i refuse to let something so special be just something else that's said.
just another few words in a conversation.
like everyday, ordinary words; like "hello" and "goodbye".
when i say "i love you" it will be in a "moment"... where it just rolls off my tongue, naturally and full of the emotion those three little words contain.
because then you know i mean it.
and you can't have a "moment" over the internet, in a text message, or over the phone.

Untitled

when our eyes meet for the very first time
it will be then that we'll know, if i'm yours and you mine
we can then share the fire that burns deep inside
with flames that keep growing and we can no longer hide
with our emotions so raw that they cannot be contained
that they cannot be disguised, concealed or refrained

Walking A Thin Line

Written: 6-3-2009


i'm walking a thin line
trying hard to decide
whether this here right now
is worth the long run outcome
i'm walking a thin line
wondering which side is right
the safe side or the side
where i take a risk
i'm walking a thin line
wanting just to take a dive
and land safely in her arms where she waits
i'm walking a thin line
and running out of precious time
how long until it all just falls apart
how much more can this line withstand
and decision here needs to be made
so i have made it
and all i can do is wait