new and totally different

so ... this is going to be a totally new and different blog compared to my myspace one.
there will be no shitty quizzes.
there will be no random bouts of lyrics.
just me and my thoughts.
just me and my poetry.
just me and how i feel ... inside.
complete and utter honesty.
the internal me.
from my inner self.
the very core of my being.

until i am ready

i'm running from the expectations
crazy days
and situations
hiding where no one will look
in the most obscure cranny and nook
shutting my eyes
and closing my ears
so i don't have to see
and i don't have to hear
closing my mouth
zipping my lips
i'll not say a word
although my heart skips
i'll not show my face
i'll not come undone
i'll stay in the darkness
and hide from the sun
until i am ready
to step into the light
until i am ready
to put up a fight

when ...

nothing really matters
when your life is in tatters
when you're feeling cold and feeling lost
when you're feeling confused, wanting your heart to defrost
when you long for the warmth from the arms of another
when you want nothing more than the touch from a lover
when you ache to be held and told that you're something
that you are something special and not just a nothing
when you crave to be shown the love and affection
the kind that is linked to a meaningful sanction
when you want to move forward and progress with your life
and stop clinging to the past that just makes you cry
when you want to be happy and not such a wreck
where your head is a mess and your heart is oppressed
when you want someone to come and put the pieces together
and help pull you back from the end of your tether
to tell you you're worth it and not run you down
to help you to smile and pick you up off the ground
to hold you and tell you it will all be ok
that you can be strong, that they wont go away

until i am sure

i'm holding back, from what i know
just for a little while, i'm letting go
because i fall too fast and i feel too much
so forgive me if i, shy away from your touch
forgive me, if i run and i hide
forgive me if i, do not let you inside
inside my head or inside my heart
inside the place where new beginnings start
i'll shut down my feelings and then close my door
i'll not let myself feel, until i am sure
sure that i can withstand all of the pressure
or whether or not i deserve any pleasure
sure of the fact that i will not be hurt
or whether or not it will be worth all the effort

underground

running scared
running blind
trying in vain
to find somewhere to hide
to escape from the feeling
that's starting to grow
evolving inside of me
that i try not to show
disappearing, i go underground
hiding within the darkness
i don't dare make a sound
for fear of being heard
for fear of being found

untitled

i'm shouting outloud
but can't figure out
who's name i am calling
or what it's about
why i am yelling
and screaming inside
why i cannot open up
why i just hide
why i can't draw you closer
why i just run away
turning my back
why i choose not to stay
the icy cold fear
grabs hold of my heart
so i slam the door
thinking i'm smart
hoping my wall
can't be penetrated
that something new
will not be created

it's over. i'm done.

complications
hesitations
factions, fictions
all in sections
missing pieces
put together
don't really fit
will they ever
who are you ?
who am i ?
if it's really wrong,
why is it right ?
standing strong
in the darkness
trying to breathe
in a room that is airless
hold my breath and wait for the sun
waiting for everything to come undone
as it always does
and i feel the pain
going through it
all over again
not wanting to continue
to move forward, move on
i'm over the hearache.
it's over.
i'm done.